What’s goin on everybody. I know it’s been about a week since I posted anything new, so rather than get back to posting a day before new years eve, I’m gonna start posting on this page again on Friday, January 2nd 2009. Hope you all have a safe and healthy New Year’s!
Archive for December, 2008
KENNY VS SPENNY- WHO CAN SMOKE MORE WEED
December 23, 2008Another season ends with possibly their best episode of all time. Minus the gayness at the end.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
50 CENT ON TURKISH DEAL OR NO DEAL
December 23, 2008It’s always amazing to me to see far away country’s translation of hip hop culture. The crowd looks like they’re from 1995.
FREEWAY- DIESEL (DAY 20), LONG MONEY (DAY 21) & THERE YOU GO (DAY 23)
December 23, 2008
EPISODE 47: ATTACK OF THE DOUCHEBAGS
December 19, 2008Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again. That special time of year when everybody starts putting up their “Best And Worst Of 2008″ lists. I thought of maybe doing one of those but to be honest, there was no best of anything this year. Everything generally sucked. From the blatant misuse of that stupid autotune robot voice in every song made in the past 12 months to the ridiculous domination of “hipster rap” the hip hop universe was pretty lack-luster this year. Sure, Barack Obama became the first black president which was incredible, but that was pretty much the only thing worth celebrating. I myself found that I came across more douchebags than ever in 2008. I fired my 3rd and possibly final manager and got jerked in the best/worst distribution deal ever. If anything can be said about 2008, it definitely was the year of the douchebag. For those not familiar with the term, peep the mathematical equation below….
punk x pussy + snake x man bag – balls = douchebag
Now that we have that outta the way, here’s my top 10 roundup of the most douchiest douchebags who ever douched in 2008….
10) THE WORKOUT DOUCHE- Ah yes, the runner/power walker douche. You can only catch these douches in the early morning hours before they go to their job as a personal trainer or corporate douche (see below). You can spot these douchebags by their form fitting windbreaker, spandex and various contraptions strapped to their arms. As they run past you they make that ultra serious “Yes I run and I’m super in shape. I am 100% devoted to looking like a woman” face and act like they’re training for the imaginary olympics. On their lunch hour they go to McDonald’s and piss everybody off while they ask the cashier how many carbs are in a cheeseburger and then demand to see a chart of all the fatty acids in everything on their menu before they order. They spend so much time wearing spandex that their wives eventually resort to fucking 18 year old drug dealers to escape the hell of being married to a walking vagina.
9) THE STEROID DOUCHE- These dudes spend 4 hours (minimum) every day standing in front of the mirror at your neighborhood gym working hard on looking like The Hulk with down syndrome. After the gym they make a quick stop at the tanning salon to get that extra special orange douchebag tint and then throw on their ultra tight affliction tee, cut just short enough to show off their unbelievably gay Germanic symbol tattoo, then head home to their Thai transexual looking girlfriend. Over the past few years, this particular brand of douchebag has seemed to multiply by the hundreds. Everywhere you go you always manage to see one of these dudes with that stupid “I masturbate to myself” smirk on their face. In the evening they generally become the nightclub douche or the bouncer douche (once again, see below). Funny thing about these guys is they look really tough but one good right jab to the face and they drop like a sack of shit.
8) THE CORPORATE DOUCHE- Take a trip down to the Olive Garden on any given night and you’ll see them. Collared shirts, matching pants and dress shoes, at the fuckin OLIVE GARDEN. It’s almost as if they’re allergic to looking normal. Tee-shirts to these types are like raid to cockroaches. Wherever they go they’re dressed up and they always have cards. No matter what these douches do for a living they have a card and they have absolutely no problem announcing to everybody that they’re the “junior assistant buyer for the Eddie Bauer, west coast headquarters”. Their entire lives are devoted to that stupid little title on their cards. They don’t give a pound or slap hands, they give a firm corporate handshake. Fun to these douches is sitting around talking about sales figures and golf trips. As much as you think these guys get pussy (without paying for it), they actually don’t. 90% of your local high-track hooker’s clientele is made up of these dudes. Next time you’re at a nightclub watch one of these idiots on the dancefloor and you’ll understand why.
7) THE BOUNCER DOUCHE- The steroid douche’s night time gig. To learn more about the bouncer douche, CLICK HERE, #5 ON THE LIST.
6) THE NIGHTCLUB DOUCHE- If he’s not guarding the door from letting in all the cool people, then he’s inside doing jager-bombs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M). These ones can easily be mistaken for the corporate douche but the nightclub douche is a lot flashier. Wearing a half buttoned-up, button-up shirt, man bag, diesel jeans and a pound of gel in their hair, you can spot them on the dancefloor grinding up against anything the sorta resembles their ex/current girlfriend (CLICK HERE, #9 ON THE LIST, or orange skinned, booty-less, fake tittied transexual looking bitch). I kinda like these douches though cuz they ignore all the fly chicks (see: thick chicks with personalities) and it make my quest to conquer a lot easier. If one of these douches drunkenly starts shit with you one night, make sure your crew is close by. These guys are absolute pussies and will never, EVER fight without 5 or more of their friends ready to jump in. If you’re evenly matched, a solid left cross will be all you need.
5) THE MUSIC CRITIC/BLOGGER DOUCHE- Everybody’s a critic because everybody has preferences. We all have music we like and music we don’t like, naturally. So what makes somebody so special that they should get paid for simply having an opinion? Is it their love of super obscure punk/ska mash-up bands? Is it their willingness to shit all over good music because a lot of people like it? Apparently so. These douches have fucked up so many really good artists’ careers, it would take me a whole lifetime to name them off. I actually have a few music critics whose articles I read every month so I know what’s good and what sucks. But rather than trusting their opinions, I actually do the opposite of whatever they say. If they say it sucks, it’s dope, if they like it, I know it’s trash. Do you know why people like 50 Cent? Cuz he’s fuckin ill. 10 million plus people say so. But if you read the reviews of 50’s Curtis album, you woulda thought he was some try-hard making records in his basement on a karaoke machine. Truth is, Curtis was a great album. If you took any one of those records and gave them to any obscure hip hop artist, the critics would be calling them geniuses. But people like 50’s music so according to the critics it was garbage. Besides the hipsters (see below) YOU are the reason I have grown to despise the hip hop media. I included bloggers in this as well cuz most music critics are also bloggers and most bloggers are self-appointed music critics. Below I’ve included a short list of non-douchebag hip hop blogs….
DOUCHE-LESS SITES TO GET HONEST OPINIONS ON GOOD MUSIC
http://websince1982.wordpress.com (me)
http://itaintthatserious.wordpress.com
http://alumnah.com
http://nahright.com
http://2dopeboyz.com
http://onsmash.com
there are a lot more but that’s good enough for now….
4) THE HIPSTER DOUCHE- First you stole my second love (kinda like my side chick), rock ‘n’ roll. You came in with your skinny jeans, adult sized teen angst, stupid haircuts and all around douchebag-ness and took it right out from underneath me. You made songs about girls who broke your heart, girls who shot you down, girls who weren’t actually girls, girls who told you they weren’t into other girls then left you for another girl and girls who stole your make-up. You made it cool to not rock out at all. You made rock music a gigantic homo-fest and you wore jeans so tight we could see your balls. I’ve always wondered, how does one cram adult sized balls into jeans from the Baby GAP? Oh, that’s right, because you have tiny baby balls you little fuckin shit stains. I want you to wake up every day and thank the LORD that Audioslave and The White Stripes were still putting out new music cuz without them I would’ve hunted you down and fed you your pussy ass angst piece by piece. I hope Rage Against The Machine buries you in a shallow hole somewhere in South America.
Through the turmoil known as “homo-rock” (yes, VERY homo), I still had my number one love. My main chick that’s been down since day one. My magical stallion (36-24-38) known as hip hop. I never used to love her, I always did. Even during the dark ages (also known as “the new south”) I still had Kanye, Common, The Roots, Jay-Z and Nas. But then you little emo fuckers started to bleed into my culture. Fruity sweaters, even fruitier sneakers and tight jeans started to pop up all over the place. The 80’s became cool again and I was ok with that cuz I’m an 80’s baby. I liked seeing throwbacks to Transformers, He-Man and Thundercats. Even the odd Captain Planet reference was kinda cool. You know why? Because it reminded me of how much fun I had as a kid. It took me back to a time when life was nothing but comic books and summer breaks. Then everybody started to dress like they were Flavor Flav in his crack days. Neon track suits, huge knock-off glasses and rope chains were the shit again. Even then I sat back and said, “Ok. I can deal with this. It’s just like the whole throwback jersey thing. Just stick to your fatigues, hoodies and tims and wait it out”. Then they started to make music that reflected their choice of personal style. Who would’ve thought that a neon track suit and hypercolor t-shirt sounds like a 3rd trimester abortion. YOU SUCK YOU STUPID FUCKIN HIP HOP RUINING PIECE OF CRACKHEAD SHIT WRAPPED IN ROTTING CABBAGE DIPPED IN SULFURIC ACID, HIPSTER FUCKS! You’d think I’d feel better right now but I don’t. Quit blaming the south too. At least they don’t look like Eddie Murphy in Raw. Being a throwback to the “golden age” is not a valid excuse for not having the intelligence or the flow to keep up with real emcees, it just means that you suck. Please evacuate hip hop before I give Rakim a call and tell him what you’ve been up to. For even more hipster bashing, CLICK HERE.
3) THE MUSIC INDUSTRY DOUCHE- These douches are the polar opposite and mortal enemy of the music critic/blogger douche. They are the reason why everything sucks and sounds exactly the same. They are the trend rapers. It goes like this, a new artist will come out with a whole new style (Kanye West) or resurrect a dope sound that died off years ago (T-Pain) and make it successful. Once that happens, the music industry douches or dickheads in charge will tell all the artists on their label that they have to sound more like artist A or artist B (or both). Then for the next 5 years they will only sign artists that strongly resemble the trend setters or “artists” that are willing to sacrifice their integrity in order to make a couple dollars. It’s because of this system that we only get about roughly 1 year of good music to every 5 years of garbage. I’d also like to send a big FUCK YOU to the music industry douchebags for making Scarface lose his faith in hip hop music and retire. If I ever figure out how to raise the dead, I will be bringing back Jimi Hendrix, Roger Troutman, Biggie, Big Pun and 2pac to kick your asses.
2) THE RAPPER GUY DOUCHE- My most hated of the douchebags. CLICK HERE and HERE to read more.
1) THE LAS VEGAS DOUCHE- I recently took a trip to Las Vegas and I came to a realization. The city of Las Vegas is a giant interplanetary magnet for douchebags from all over the universe. Virtually every form of douche listed above congregates in this place at least once a year. Everywhere I went it was douched beyond recognition. Corporate douches, workout douches, steroid douches, rapper guy douches, they were all there. From the clubs to the strip, they all catered to a certain type of douchebag. I felt like I had walked into the inner circle of the mythical MANGINA. At a lot of the nightclubs being a douchebag was actually a fuckin REQUIREMENT. They had lists on the outside of the door describing everything you couldn’t wear if you wanted to party at their club. Long lists that said, “no tee-shirts, no sneakers, no hats, no jeans”. Basically no masculinity was allowed within 30 feet of their front doors. As a matter of fact, I think I might start a club out there called THE DOUCHE and clean up….
Now it’s time to vibe out to some anti-douche music…
Album Of The Night: Ghostface Killah, The Big Doe Rehab
Best Verse: It’s Ghost so all of’em
Best Beat: Yolanda’s House
Best Song: Slow Down
KENNY VS SPENNY- WHO DO DISABLED PEOPLE LIKE MORE
December 19, 2008Spenny embarrasses himself AGAIN.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
